Terms of Grief
An open letter to President Biden
Dear President Biden,
I am writing to you at this fraught time to offer empathy and wisdom, in return for how much empathy and wisdom you have shared with so many Americans. I ache for you as you gracefully end your campaign for a second term as our President and Commander-in-Chief. In such a public display of doubt, criticism, and advice by the Democratic Party, I can only imagine how you have felt in private and the sweep of emotion as you made your momentous choice.
Michael D. Shear (July 19, 2024) has suggested you felt “Anger, Fear, Pride and Regret.” How about humiliated and betrayed by trusted allies? You, who have always tried to put the needs of the country first, were seen as putting your own needs—for power, for proving yourself, for retaliation—ahead of what is needed to win the 2024 national election. Now, many are viewing you as a hero, with comparisons to George Washington, but praise does little to ease the profound sense of loss and grief you must feel.
According to CNN (December 6, 2023), there has not been a president more willing and capable of openly talking to Americans about working through loss and grief. In your interview on Anderson Cooper’s podcast, All There Is, you demonstrate how vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness to hide. It’s not that other presidents haven’t endured personal tragedy, but your ability to “comfort and listen and connect with people who have just suffered the greatest loss of their lives,” is seen as a superpower. (The Atlantic, November 2, 2020) In your numerous eulogies, you connect with the bereaved intimately and with hard won wisdom. When talking about your healing journey, you have said, “I found the best way through pain and loss and grief is to find purpose.” (August 31, 2020, Psychology Today)
As a Thanatologist (a person certified in death, dying, and bereavement), I agree with you that finding purpose is a strong salve for moving through the pain of losing a beloved to death. Losing my life partner of 30 years to cancer transformed me; I would say my purpose, to become a grief support specialist, found me. But there is another type of grief that is not well known and has a different healing focus.
Have you heard of the term “Non-death Loss?” It is the universal concept of loss in all adverse life events. While death is a fact and easily validated, other losses are subjective in the extent to which they shatter the person’s world view and assumptions. Non-death losses can include divorce, significant illness, financial distress, as well as the loss of a cherished role and one’s hopes and dreams. Darcy L. Harris, RN, RSW, PhD, FT has done the most to analyze research, synthesize theory, and advance the clinical practice of non-death losses. Based on her work, you are at risk for an ongoing living loss--giving up your hopes and dreams, watching your imagined future dissolve.
To mitigate the pain of such a loss, especially as the rest of the country moves on to fight the election fight, you need not purpose, but to find meaning in both your decision and your new future. Best articulated by the prolific Robert A. Neimeyer, PhD, Director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, I offer the following to help you as you complete your presidency and suffer such a significant non-death loss.
Use your extensive knowledge and intimate experience of loss to grieve this non-death loss. Give it the space and time that it deserves.
Know that you may feel abandoned and ostracized at a time when you most need to feel understood and emotionally supported. Let those you most trust and love hold you close.
Tell yourself a story about your decision that you can live with, that is aligned with your values and personal agency. You will heal as you remember your reasons, for yourself, your family, and the country.
Find a way to create a life that has meaning to you, although different than you expected. Use the time remaining to be a leader in a new sense, a role model for aging with dignity and strength.
With admiration and compassion,
Kathryn Kaplan
Kathryn Kaplan, PhD, CT, Grief Support Specialist, is the author of two memoirs (2023 by Christmas Lake Press) where she discovered how to grieve her own non-death losses and the death of her beloved partner.